My intention here is just to blog whatever thoughts are filling my brain right now, because it's been awhile since I've done anything close to writing out what's going on in my brain, which is something that I value, because it's a way for me to organize my thoughts and check-in with myself. Checking in with myself is important, because this is the process of me seeing how my wellbeing is doing and taking the steps necessary if my wellbeing isn't quite where I'd like it to be.
I've been stressed lately. It's difficult to not be at least a little stressed in this existence, yeah? So I guess I should say that I've been more stressed than what is my usual norm. What's contributing to this stress? Hmm...life is hard. I've been dealing with bouts of depression, so that definitely affects things and how my brain thinks. Finances. Ugh. I'm still in the process of writing my thesis. Ugh. Why is that taking me forever? I really am trying though. It might not seem like it at times, but I am. My car has not been very cooperative with me. That's been super stressful. Romantic relationships...that stuff is complicated. I've learned a lot about that. That can be a whole separate blog in itself. And let's take my personal stuff out of the mix, for anyone paying attention to the news from all around the world, people are dying in masses due to violent acts intentionally carried out by other humans. Gaaaahhhhh......it's frustrating. It's disheartening. It's downright devastating. Being a human is STRESSFULLLLLLL.
As always, the unknown freaks me out. I'm at a very uncertain time in my life. I'm not sure where I'm going with my life right now. I know that I want to finish this thesis thing, then I'm not sure what lies beyond that. Supposedly, I'll be looking for jobs, because serious financial struggles over here along with student loan debt. Yayyyyy....
But also, me being me, I want to live a fulfilled life. I want to live a life of meaning. For instance, since I've been back in St. Louis, I've been occasionally working with dogs. However, that doesn't fuel my soul. That was meant to be a temporary side job that I did for kicks. (Also, side note: Dogs are a lot of work. Don't let their cute furry selves fool you. One dog is enough responsibility...now, imagine dogsitting 20+ at a time...Woof.) I am considering looking at other side jobs in the meantime while I continue writing thesis, but job searching also takes a lot of time and energy.
I also want to address how privileged I feel. Some people can't "afford" to be in the situation I'm in. I'm living in a house where I don't have to pay any rent, because my parents are taking care of that along with other things like my car repair costs. I'm basically unemployed at this time, since I'm trying to finish this thesis, and while I still have to be strict with my spending, I am in circumstances that allow me to not have to work full time in order to get by.
My life hasn't been all struggles lately. The struggles have just really been digging their teeth into me deeply is all. Either way, gotta' keep on keepin' on. Existing is just so hard sometimes. However, may the struggles only fuel me to be stronger and more resilient.
I'm starting to feel like I need to get some sleep now. That's part of self care and wellbeing maintenance.