Current Time: Whenever Most People Are Sleeping or Just Waking Up (Duh. This is when I have the most thoughtful thoughts.)
I'm not entirely sure what's happening in my thought processes right now and this is probably just the tip of the iceberg, but the fact that I'm making a blog post means that I find whatever is happening significant enough to want to make extra mention of it.
Firstly, oh my gosh, life is wild. I'm never bored. I can barely keep up with myself.
Things that I've been thinking about a lot lately (besides my Master's thesis....I'm currently at 75 pages right now, which is a huge deal for me and it is ideally going to be completed THIS Summer OR ELSE....) include: relationships (both romantic and platonic), death (which is always on my mind), pain and suffering, religion, the future, how everything feels connected, etc.
I've been having all sorts of significant interpersonal interactions that have been standing out to me more than usual lately, which has brought up so many things for me to think about and I already think about a lot. I had a picnic with a friend the other day where I had the honor of listening to their perspective on various topics, but it sparked my mind to go in all kinds of directions. Also, even more recently, I listened to another friend's podcast, which surrounds dialogue about life after escaping toxic religious environments. This, of course, only fueled my mind's thought-flames, which brings me to the present moment where I'm trying to get all meta and think about my thoughts while these flames are burning. By the way, I love exchanging thoughts with my fellow humans (talk to me anytime, y'all). It's so satisfying and I gain so much. I love listening to perspectives that are both similar and different to mine. I am such a social creature and need to be interacting with others in order to feel alive. We are not meant to be alone.
I've been readjusting to the single bachelorette life for about 3 months now....woah. This time has provided me with much opportunity to think about what romantic relationships even mean to me and what I might even possibly want (which only continues to shift and shake). Also, dating and relationships are HARD and often complicated. My experience in romance has essentially consisted of people caring about each other, but for whatever reasons, things just don't quite mesh right. I love all of my exes, but love does not mean romantically compatible in a serious long term relationship (which is what I ultimately want, since I appreciate the depth of a long term relationship). Also, gaaahhhh....I HATE, HATE, HATE hurting people, especially ones that I love very deeply, however, it seems that deeper love tends to mean that there is higher chance that hurt will happen, because that's just being human. And as a human, I've been making all the mistakes, which has led to quite the learning process.
A little personal dating background....I went from dating only one person for around 6 years, which was my only experience with dating, to then dating or kind-of-dating a variety of other people (modern dating culture is weird). In the last few years, I've dated men; I've dated women; I've experienced monogamy; I've dabbled in polyamory. I'm not entirely sure how I want it all to play out, and I'm very much single and mingling/exploring still, but I would like a deep, meaningful, romantic relationship with someone long term eventually. (Finishing my thesis and figuring out job/career stuff is my top priority right now. If romance happens, cool. If not, then that's just how it is.) Although, I feel like I may have exhausted myself in the romance world a bit, because I've been feeling discouraged with feelings such as, "Will I ever find at least one person to be my long term life partner where we can both make it work and commit to each other?" It's sad feeling like all relationships have expiration dates (which I feel like also has to do with my death anxiety on a microlevel....more on that later). I would like something that is lasting. I'm craving stability. I've been discouraged, because I already have friends who have been through divorces or ended long term relationships. However, I will admit that I am also aware that I know of relationships that have lasted decades with no seeming end in sight, so that's inspiring. There's more that I can say about relationships, especially since being social beings revolves around relationships, but that's all you get for now.
In rethinking about religion, I am reminded of my past upbringing, which is of the Catholic/Christian faith. However, for about the last decade, I've been in more of an agnostic mindset and do not claim to be Catholic or Christian. I have been influenced by this upbringing and I'm spiritual in a sense, but I don't feel pulled to be a part of any organized religion. Religion and different spiritual beliefs are fascinating to me, but religion doesn't resonate with me like it once did. I don't know when this shifted for me exactly, but there just came a time when my once religious affiliation did not fit with who I was becoming and that's just where I'm at with my life right now. With organized religion, there is structure and rules, but now that I'm not part of that life anymore, I have to create my own path and ethics. What do I value? What do I believe in? What is going to happen when I die or when my loved ones die? What does all of this life stuff mean? Is life just finding ways to pass the time until death? There has to be more to it, right? The more life experiences I have, the more questions I accumulate without ever really finding simple answers, because life is complex.
Something that I commonly deal with is death anxiety. I get what I refer to as "existential attacks." This means that I will occasionally freak out and panic about the fact that death is unavoidable for us all. This often occurs after waking up from a nap. I'm not entirely sure how to cope with this yet, but I'm working on it. While I don't think I'll ever completely be accepting of or comfortable with death, I can at least try to get myself to be partially accepting and comfortable with it. I've also been thinking about why death upsets me so much. A major reason is that I have to do it alone. No one gets to accompany me in that actual dying process. I don't favor being alone. Then there's the whole "What actually happens when I die?" thing. That ultimate unknown is so........unknown. I know what it's like to live, because I've been doing it all of my life, but I don't know what it's like to die. I cannot imagine not existing, because all I know is this current existence. I realize that there was a time where I wasn't alive, and I can barely wrap my head around that. I also really enjoy living despite life's struggles, so not being alive is a huge bummer to me, because I'm theoretically leaving all of the things that I love. Also, there is still so much that I want to do and experience. I will say that I am finding some comfort in the thinking that our energy and matter will be transformed in some way after death, so it's not like we completely cease to exist....first law of thermodynamics?
This probably hasn't been coming across very well with what I've been saying, but I've also been in a strangely optimistic vibe despite these fearful/doubting thoughts. I'm also pointing out this optimism, because I had been getting into nihilistic, doomsday kind of vibes. I am also of the mindset that you can be opposing things all at once, so it works. I'm freaking the freak out, but I'm also enjoying my life as the pleasure seeker that I am.
I want to conclude with the thoughts that I'm just really grateful for amazing people in my life. I have a very supportive and loving family. I love my friends, especially friends I feel like I can fully be myself with and we understand each other. I love how far I've come with learning how to be in relationship with other humans in a way that feels satisfying to me and hopefully to the humans I interact with. Life is CRAZY, but right now I have a sense that I'm going to be okay (Death, please don't take me anytime soon.) or at least will be able to tolerate the hardships. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I thankfully feel like I have solid resources and a support system to ease the process.
I feel the lack of sleep clouding my brain processing, so I'm going to go try that sleep thing for a few hours, so that's that for now.
Until my next thought-vomiting session happens....
Peace, Love, & Thought-Vomiting.
Erica
I'm bringing back this classic viral video, because it's how I'm currently feeling, which is awesome, because it's been awhile since I've felt like this and actually meant it in my core: