I am cautious about starting this year, because I have a habit of questioning and doubting myself every so often, so it's only natural for me to do that in the middle of finishing my Master's degree. (I am so dramatic.) I'm not going to back out of it now that I only have a year left, but I am uncertain of where my passion and motivation lie at the moment.
One of my main struggles throughout my grad school experience has been surviving the conundrum of the "long distance relationship." I'll spare you the details, especially since they are complicated even for me to understand in hindsight, but this conundrum messed me up so badly last Spring that I broke up with my long term partner (of five years this November) for a period of time. Conflicting emotions are a curious animal. However, I have since then made amends and am continuing to build on the relationship, even if it has to be from hundreds of miles away. If Shea happens to read this, I want him to know how much I truly love him. I loved him before, but I didn't know that I really loved him until we were separated romantically. He is the person I trust most (aside from my amazing family and super close friends) and can telling anything to. He knows the depths of my soul, even the darkness within me that others do not always see.
I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that I am finding it difficult to focus on my life here in Philadelphia when my heart isn't fully here, which is a huge reason why I have been having such difficulty even starting the preliminary portions of my Master's capstone project. (In my head I've often been thinking, "What's the point?" when I sometimes don't even feel like being here doing whatever it is that I'm doing, because I am a born lover and want to be with the person I presume to be "the love of my life.") I underestimated the hardships of being away from loved ones. With that said, I am also conflicted, because my life in Philadelphia is a good one, but part of me is missing...the part I left in St. Louis.
I have a knack for falling apart and creating a new self. I just happen to be in the falling apart stage at the moment. A good question for me to ask myself is...What do I want? Well, I want to be back with Shea in St. Louis, so we can really start our life together. That part is simple for me to understand. Regarding my "career" however...that is not set in stone. I feel like I am growing up in a society where the tradition of choosing a specific job and "sticking with it" is changing. I feel like more people are becoming open to not limiting themselves to only one occupation. I spent much of my adolescence wracking my brain and trying to figure out "what I wanted to be when I grew up." That answer, like most things in the real world, isn't black and white. It's not that simple for me. Unlike some people, I didn't have a clear-cut calling on what I was "supposed to do" as an adult. This career confusion is both a luxury and a curse. I am blessed and fortunate enough that I have the opportunity to choose my path. I am not forced to work a specific job. It is a curse, because I am someone who wants to be on a career path that is personally meaningful and fulfilling. To me, this mostly means that I want to feel like I am not only useful in my theoretical occupation, but I need some social justice piece or important cause to be a part of. I won't delve too much into post-grad school, because I don't want to overwhelm myself. I have to focus on what is happening now, which is beginning my last year of graduate school. Baby steps.
Sidenote: I'm not completely set on actually being a bona fide Dance/Movement Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor. *gasp* This is terrifying to admit, because lots of money and time has been spent on this "dream" of mine, but dreams can always be redefined. I know, I thought this was my calling too, but this is something I have to be honest about, because I cannot live a lie. Lying to myself causes me way too much stress. I was recently inspired by one of my favorite bloggers, who happens to be a dance/movement therapist. She wrote in a recent blog about being in a dance/movement therapy rut. Like her, I have also been in this DMT rut. I have been away from the DMT mindset this Summer, so maybe I will become re-inspired when my internship and classes start up again. I will say that my experience in my graduate program and in Philadelphia in general has been extremely important to my growth as a person. I can feel that in my soul. All the pain I have felt has mostly been growing pains and I sure have been growing a lot.
Soooo...to sum it all up...everything is up in the air and I am just waiting for it all to land in places and settle, so I can reassess my life and make more well-defined decisions. For now, I have to sit with the ambiguity and accept it for the time being. Once school actually starts, I feel like my thoughts will go through some shifting, but for now, I am very resistant initially.
That was cathartic and I need to remind myself to blog more often. I'm nervous, but looking forward to what the coming week will bring.
Now...I can finally sleep.