Anyway, my purpose with this blog post is to empty my mind of some thoughts that have been floating around and swim in them for a bit; I have generally found this to be good for my soul and well-being to get some of that abstract cognitive stuff out into concrete words that help me turn these abstract thoughts into shapes and objects I can better handle. I get lost in my own mind sometimes, so I use writing as a way of finding myself. Then again, I could lose myself even more in the process or the self I find could be transformed into a variation of myself. Like other art forms, it is a creative process for me, where I use words to express, like how I might use my body to express in dance/movement or paint to express myself on a canvas. I'll have to see how this blog post creation turns out when I decide that it's "finished."
Being human is both beautiful and painful to me. A word that keeps coming up for me is duality. In the context that I have thought of this word, it is this concept that conflicting or a variety of things can coexist. To explain this more specifically, I can have mixed emotions; I can be both happy and sad. I can argue both for and against the same thing at the same time. I can be infuriated by something that someone does like murder and yet still feel love and concern for the person who committed murder. What is cool and complicated about everything is that there doesn't have to be an absolute wrong or right. It can be a spectrum of the in between. I think that is why I like the figurative concept of oxymorons. An oxymoron consists of two contradictory words coexisting side-by-side. I love the idea of that; it is poetic to me. With conflicting concepts, each brings more meaning to the other; I understand love better after feeling heartbreak.
For those who have had the opportunity to interact with me in person, they mostly find much love and positivity. However, that is not all I am or can be. I can also be filled with darkness, despair, and desperation more frequently than one might prefer. I hold dualities such as light and dark, euphoria and dysphoria within me every day. Now I shall talk about depression, because it is this monster of a thing that I have come to embrace and befriend over time. Lately, I have been cuddling with depression. This to me is just fine until depression becomes debilitating. As someone who is involved with the world of mental health, examining my own mental health is important. On the one hand, struggling with my own mental health gives me more empathy and understanding for others who also struggle with mental health issues. However, it can sometimes be like walking on the edge of a cliff, because I am not the most productive member of society when depression debilitates me.
I think what I am trying to get at here is that life is hard sometimes and I am really feeling that at this current time. Some of the biggest and scariest monsters I face are the ones I create inside me. The human mind is powerful, with it comes danger and possibilities. It is curious how each human can be wired. For example, I am wired to where I could out of the blue feel extreme doom and gloom for seemingly no reason, yet feel an overwhelming sense of comfort and safety flying in a plane above the clouds watching the sunrise.
Retrospectively looking at progress I have made in regards to my own mental health, I at least know that I do not have to suffer alone...loved ones are a simple text or phone call away. Support is out there. I have resources. My storms do not last forever.
May hope always be on the horizon.
Okay, I'm going to call this blog post creation finished now.