Something that has really stuck with me recently is this idea of "metamorphosis." A common example of this is a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. A Dance/Movement Therapist by the name of Christina Devereaux wrote an online article earlier this month for Psychology Today called "A New Year: 5 Lessons We can Learn from a Butterfly." I am so eager to already be this metaphorical butterfly that I envision in my head, but as my Supervisor at one of my clinical practicums advised me today, I cannot emerge from this chrysalis before I am ready, because then I won't be fully developed.
This is an uncomfortable time for me. There is so much uncertainty, ambiguity, and instability. Some days I feel confident and ready to take on obstacles, but other days I am doubtful of myself, insecure, and wanting to crawl up in my comfortable bed where I feel safe.
I'd like to talk about some of my main current insecurities in order to make them more concrete to help me process and address/combat them:
- Many of my insecurities have to do with my strive for independence and autonomy from my parents. While I appreciate their support, I want to be comfortable and confident in knowing that I can make it on my own if I end up needing to do that.
- I have a lack of experience in the workforce. I've never held a real job. My "job" has always been "student." I feel behind compared to my peers who are already working or have had regular jobs before.
- Along with these insecurities comes the insecurities that occur with being human and having human limitations. For instance, being officially diagnosed with narcolepsy by a sleep doctor recently was really transformative for me. My inability to control myself and sleeping for an overextended period of time (sometimes 10+ hours) and then feeling a lack of energy/motivation all day are issues that have really taken a toll on my ability to conduct the kind of life that people without these issues are able to conduct. When life demands more than I am able to deliver, I'm left in a constantly stressful/frustrating situation. I am in awe of and almost jealous of those who are able to be in grad school AND hold jobs or manage multiple responsibilities outside of something like school (seriously, pat yourself on the back if you can effectively manage multiple responsibilities). "Growing up" is hard. There is a lot that goes into being an independent, autonomous adult. I have so much respect for my parents and all those "adults" out there. While I know it's not easy, they make "adulthood" seem like it's natural.
Regarding independence and autonomy, I realize that there isn't a strict standard timeline and situations can vary. One person might be able to live on one's own at age 18, while another might still be living with one's parents at 40. I cannot be stuck on comparing myself to others, because I'm not them; I am a different person with different circumstances, leading to different outcomes (this applies to some of my other insecurities as well). I have to accept that independence and autonomy take time and practice...and I'm progressively on my way to becoming more autonomous (I didn't always know how to do things like laundry, which seems like such a simple task, but look at me now!). I also can't expect to do things with ease right away. Not everyone succeeds on the first try...or the second try...or the third try...etc. (This will seem silly and trivial, but it's a serious matter to me in wanting to master something...I'm currently struggling to learn how to hula hoop properly, and there have been many drops of the hula hoop before I even slightly get the hang of it). And sometimes, no matter how hard I try or how much I try, I might not ever really get the hang of something. I have to accept my limitations at the time and work with them until I find a happy medium/compromise. There will always be areas for me to improve upon and that's okay. All I can do is try my best with my circumstances and deal with what I can control, while realizing and recognizing that I'm doing the best that I can.
With my lack of experience working, I can at least find some comfort in knowing that my various life experiences have had aspects of what a job might have. It's not that I am incapable of performing in a job; I just simply haven't had one. I just have to be patient. I have to accept that for me, holding a job while in school is overwhelming, and thankfully I am in a situation where I can afford to just be a student (thank you parents and student loans).
Attacking my sleep/energy/motivation issue is a bit trickier, since multiple factors (some out of my control) play into it. I had a counseling appointment last week where I discussed this issue, making me realize its complexity. In the past, I've sometimes used sleep to avoid daunting tasks (procrastination is a bad, bad habit). However, when you layer this on with actual exhaustion, it's just really hard to win. I'm accepting that this is my own personal struggle that not everyone has. While this issue can disable me, I'm finding ways to alleviate the symptoms and work around it. Going back to how I don't have a job or other major responsibilities outside of school currently, this gives me some leeway in case I do happen to sleep a long time. I love/hate unscheduled time, because more often than not, I use it to sleep. I'm learning to structure my life more (I've always rebelled against structure and organization...the free spirit that I am), especially since I've seen how useful structure can be both in my personal life and in therapy sessions. Structure helps to build a sense of safety, comfort, and familiarity. Too much disorganization can be perceived as chaos, leading to instability and decrease in sanity. It is empowering to have some level of control over one's life. And it wouldn't necessarily just be me following someone else's structure (alluding to my rebellion against it); it's me creating the structure myself, ergo creating the control. I have ownership over how I want to structure my life outside of schedules like school. Another good thing for me to be aware of is really checking in with what both my body and mind are telling me. For instance, if I have a long day of classes/practicum all day (a common occurrence in my life right now), I tend to feel really tired when I get home. I have to really check in with myself to assess what I'm capable of and what my body/mind might need in order to be most successful. I have to be cautious of sleep, because I must assess if I'm just sleeping to avoid (in this case I need to pull out my metaphorical box of tools that will help me stay awake) or if I really could use the sleep (if I do sleep, I have to be strict with how much sleep I allow myself to prevent oversleeping and assess how much control I honestly think I have to not oversleep). All in all, I just really have to get to know myself and be honest with myself. A good thing for me to remember is that in the future, for the most part, jobs don't continue after being at the workplace like school does. With school, I not only have to attend classes during the day, but I have to do schoolwork at night. I should commend myself, because school really is difficult and takes a lot of work. I think in the past, I gave myself such a hard time for not being able to do more than being a student that I didn't give myself enough credit for being a student. I also don't think human beings give ourselves enough credit for doing super cool, complex human being stuff like formulate complex or abstract thoughts using language (that we created by the way) or both build and/or operate machinery. Sooo....I think what I'm trying to say in general is that I'm in a good place with myself. Yes, I have my struggles; everyone has struggles! It's more about what I'm able to do despite them. In addition, I also need to recognize the progress I am making and keep moving forward. Resilience!
For my own personal benefit...
Metaphorical Toolbox of Things to Help Me Stay Awake:
-LISTENING TO MUSIC!!!! Ever since high school, I remember using music to cope with my struggles. It's vital to my soul and existence. It makes me come alive and stimulates my brain.
-Using Dance/Movement...as a DMT in Training, this should be a no-brainer for me, but sometimes I need to actually practice what I preach.
-Not getting too comfortable. (i.e. Sometimes doing schoolwork in my room doesn't work, because my bed is there and beds have this magical comforting power to put me to sleep...being too long in a place that I associate with sleep only feeds my body's constant want for sleep.)
-Being around people! I know people have the possibility to distract, but they also keep me mentally stimulated and accountable for being productive.
In closing...I'd like to speak to my progress as a person. Looking back at my life, I didn't always have directness. I didn't always know what I wanted. I felt as if I was just going through the motions. Discovering and working towards what I want has made my life more meaningful and purposeful. Even having that "ideal butterfly" version of myself in my mind gives me something to work towards, because I know who I want to be. Even if I don't necessarily feel like who I want to be matches up with who I'm currently being, I still have that opportunity to fake/pretend I'm that "ideal butterfly." Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, puts it nicely in her talk about body language saying, "Don't fake it 'til you make it. Fake it 'til you become it." While the whole "Be the change you wish to see in the world." quote typically credited to Gandhi is important, I am also realizing that I need to be the change I wish to see in myself. This is my life; I decide what I want to do with this life through the choices I make. Since I at least know what I want...by golly, I might as well go for it.
And as a bonus treat, some pictures from my Sleep Study!