Lately, I've been pretty dysfunctional. My sleeping habits as per usual get in the way of a "normal life". I did schedule an appointment with a Sleep Doctor on November 22nd (since that's the soonest appointment they gave me), so I'm hoping that will all work out. I mention this, since weekends throw me off (I don't have class and my practicum days are Sunday and Monday at both varying times) and there have been days where I uncontrollably sleep 10+ hours. Oh, and I was late to my practicum on Monday and late to class this morning (I set TWO alarms!) because of my sleep/wake cycle dysfunction. I'm trying to have a "normal" schedule, but it's really hard for me. My dysfunction with sleep infiltrates into the rest of my life. I'm just really upset with my human faults lately. I love my graduate school program and I want to be at my fullest potential for it. I can't be at my fullest potential if I can't even sleep/wake up when needed.
Graduate school itself sets some pretty high standards already, so when I have very high expectations for myself as well, I feel like a failure when I don't meet them. I hate disappointing both the people around me and myself. There is shame; there is guilt; there is the sense that I'm not "good enough." I know that I am human, and humans make mistakes and can only handle so much; I'm VERY aware of that obviously. That acceptance still doesn't really take away the internal struggles that I feel. How am I supposed to deal with the "real world" when I'm freaking out now? I also want to add that I hate the idea that I'm struggling to handle grad school, while others in the world are struggling to meet their basic human needs, but that's a story for another day.
On my bicycle ride home from school today, I thought about my amazement of others in later development stages of life (according to newer development psychology research, I'm still in the adolescence stage). I can't help but look in awe at people older than me, because I'm filled with admiration and wonder that they've been able to make it as far as they have. Life is hard; there is no doubt about that, so it is inspiring for me to see these people alive and not looking super dysfunctional. Life throws some hefty curve balls...war, famine, terminal illnesses, freak accidents etc. It's amazing that I am here right now typing this, because my life could be taken away from me in an instant!
With all of that said, I just needed to let out some steam...and now for a nap, which hopefully doesn't turn up being 10+ hours.
Side note: I sometimes think that I was meant to be a philosopher, but philosophy isn't going to help me pay the bills.