I have found myself to be fairly self-aware and value exploring, discovering, and re-discovering myself. I am constantly changing, so there is always something new to be found. Currently, I am realizing how much I value deep thoughts and deep connections with others. They fuel me. I am all about addressing and bringing attention to the soul, the deeper parts of being human. Whilst attempting to socialize today, I found myself disconnecting at times. I think a lot of that disconnect relates to my preference for diving in deeper. Most often in social situations, especially in groups, I find that what is being talked about is superficial. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing. I've just been craving for more than the superficial. I want to get beneath the surface.
I have no shortage of deep thoughts within myself, so I'm good there. What takes more work to cultivate are deep connections with others. I feel like I have been lacking this in my life lately, which is why I have been feeling lonely even when people are around. It can be difficult to go into the deep stuff with just anybody. The matching up of souls is complex. I connect with everyone on some level to an extent, but there are just certain people out there who I naturally have an instant connection and automatic comfort with. That's just the nature of being my own unique self in a world of so many other unique and diverse humans.
Since grad school has been consuming my time and energy along with the time and energy of my classmates, it has been difficult for me to deal with this lacking of deeper connections especially since it takes extra effort to reach out. When I do have some time to connect with people, it is mostly superficial. I crave and need more. Intimacy is what I am all about.
I am hoping that I'll get more of that deep stuff eventually...
In the meantime, until then, I will just have to treasure even the brief moments of deeper connections...something as simple as eye contact or the occasional exchange of the sharing of feelings/emotions between me and another person.